I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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