someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
we're so committed to being not committed
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
