All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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