I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
