First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Randomize
