Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
