I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
