Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
