Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
