i barfeds in our rink
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
