I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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