Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
