A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
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