I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
