I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
