So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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