you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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