I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
