first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
