Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
