I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
