Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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