so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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