He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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