kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
