Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
