She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
