Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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