come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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