i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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