i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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