I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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