It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He uses pillows to masturbate.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
