I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
