I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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