i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
