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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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