I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
