i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
