woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
