quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
