I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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