Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
