I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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