she woke up with a sticky ear
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
