I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
