why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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