I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
