At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
