Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
