Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
