don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
